I have probably already said it many times, but life is weird. And because life is bound by it, time must logically be even more weird. Time is relentless. Time is unforgiving. Time never stops. Good times fly right on by. Bad times do the same. Normal times get lost in the mix. Time keeps on ticking…
When I was in high school, I played baseball. It was fun and I did o.k. at it. My junior year, a senior kind of took me under his wing, which was pretty cool. He would help me with my ‘tude, drive me home when we had late practices and even gave me a sweet pair of kangaroo skin spikes!
Toward the end of my junior year, when seniors are basically graduated, something terrible happened. This guy who took me under his wing decided to take his own life. I remember being unable to grasp it. He was just here. Had great opportunity to go play ball in Kansas. It seemed like everything was working for him, then he was gone.
I remember the funeral clearly. It seemed like hundreds of kids from our high school were there. None of us understanding how to deal with the situation. Tears and more tears. No real answers.Then tomorrow came. He was gone, but life kept moving. It seemed unfair for us to continue on without him. But we had no choice. Time kept on ticking… Relentless. Unforgiving.
Not long after that, I left for college (to play baseball, not learn). And then I was back. Not in 2 years, or 4 years or even 8 to 12 years. It was more like a matter of months. College and I didn’t agree. Time was short in Kansas, which is one thing that time and I agreed on. But time moved on. Thankfully. Soon enough, I met my bride-to-be.
We were young. At the time of this writing, about half the age that we are now. I had no idea where life would take me, but knew it would be a better ride with her by my side. It is strange looking back at our early days, we were so different.
I could be a jerk. I had an even worse attitude than before I left for college. But sometimes I could be a charmer…
Kari was a dream. When I would have to sneeze, she would tell me to look at the light. She had and has an answer for just about everything. Especially now. Supposedly looking at the light was a thing that made a sneeze go from stuck to unstuck. I’m not sure if that is or was actually the case, but I would look right at her and tell her I was already looking at the “light”. She would shake her head and blow it off, and we would go on with life. Those days seem like they were so long ago. But sometimes it seems like I could wake up tomorrow and be right back in that place, at that time, looking at that light. But time has done what time does – keeps on ticking. Relentless. Unforgiving.
Several years later, we were married and our first child was about to be born. I am a pretty calm guy, but the night before we were to go in to pop out my daughter, I lost it. It was a bit like the movie Family Man. If you haven’t seen it, this super rich guy gets a glimpse of what his life would have been if he made one different decision. In the glimpse, he is married and has a couple kids. Because he knew his real life was nothing like this, when he would get in trouble with his glimpse wife, he would say, “This in not my life. You are not my wife. These are not my kids”.
All I could think about was that kind of junk. I told my wife I had no idea how to be a husband, much less a dad. I blubbered on and on in self-defeating non-sense and then I made my wife promise that we would never lose us. I was scared that having kids would ruin us. I am sure she was thinking that she got herself into some fine mess marrying me after all that silliness – but she had no choice but to get ready to pop out our first child. Time is relentless and that baby was coming. Ready or not.
We had my daughter. My princess. At the time, she was crazy, but thankfully she has become our princess. It has been nearly 13 years since that day and I still have those same dumb thoughts. Have I been a good Dad? Have I been a good husband? Time keeps on ticking… Relentless. Unforgiving.
After we recovered from her first three years of her life, we had our son. My dood. He’s a crazy man, but he is my dood. When my wife popped him out, he thought it would be funny to not breathe. Thankfully time and I agreed on this one, the nurses did their thing and we didn’t lose out on our time with our son. And he has taken full advantage of his time! Super athletic. Loves to laugh and clown around. He’s a handful, but I am thankful for every minute we get with him. At least when I have time to catch my breath and think about it.
About that time, work became crazy. I had opportunity after opportunity. Looking back, it was very cyclical. Every 2 and a half years I would get restless and something good happened. Time passed. In record speed. It was unforgiving. 10 and 20 year reunions. Birthday after birthday. Anniversary after anniversary. Week after week, month after month and year after year. 16 years come and gone. Kids growing like weeds. Becoming new versions of themselves. In a blink of an eye. Time kept ticking… Relentless. Unforgiving.
Then, out of nowhere, my Dad passed. Completely unexpectedly. I remember getting the call from my brother so clearly. I remember the drive to my Dad’s house. I remember getting off the highway at their exit, sitting at the off ramp stop light and losing it. I told my wife I couldn’t do it. But I had no choice… Not going wasn’t going to change reality. And reality was that my time with Dad was gone.
For the next few weeks, all I could think about was all the time that we didn’t have together. That he had passed 5 minutes from my house twice a day for years and years, yet we rarely saw each other. I know he was one of my biggest fans, one of the few people who ever told me they were proud of me. I missed so much time with him for so many reasons, and now there was no more time. I never got to hug my “Pops” one last time. I never got to say good-bye or tell him I loved him. His time ticked away… Relentlessly. Unforgiving. It’s been years now, I still miss him.
When it comes down to it, time is the most valuable thing we have. As ruthless as it is, we can’t live without it. We all have had experiences with time. When we were young, wishing it would hurry the heck up. As we got older, wishing we could turn it back. Maybe to to get one last hug. Wishing we could make it stop. Maybe on our honeymoon or to hold our newborn child again. Wishing that we hadn’t wasted it, worrying or fighting. Time is time, no matter how many wishes we cast out there. The clock keeps ticking… At its own pace. Relentless. Unforgiving.
In my infinite, or more accurately, finite wisdom, this is what I take away from the 40-some years I have had on this earth. Get perspective and live life. Live it now, with an eye toward tomorrow. Don’t worry. Don’t argue. Don’t waste a minute on things you can’t control. Kick time in the teeth. Get passionate and go after something. Take a lesson from time. Keep ticking. Keep moving forward. Be relentless – in living.
Time keeps on ticking, what are you going to do about it?